The Acid Diaries (Christopher Gray) / quote 29 of 125
Uncovering a buried sense of worthlessness
The session in which my personal story was to explode started in the same way as the others. Perhaps it was worse. Again I was twisting on the bed with the pressure building, until I thought I was going to burst. Never before had I seen nightmarish visions inside my head, but now I did: slithering, dark things; piles of wet coils, vicious eyes flicking this way and that, seeking me out. Tentacles whipped at my face, and instinctively my head jerked sideways . . . and a wash of watery blood, like something out of a horror movie, was spilling across the visual field behind the mask. Then everything just popped. What it was all about was devastatingly clear. The journal entry I scribbled—and underlined—the following morning starts: The sense of inner pressure, which has been mounting steadily throughout the first part of all the trips I have taken, finally exploded yesterday. Suddenly I saw what I have been repressing from the first . . . the most terrible sense of worthlessness. Everything I have ever tried to do has been a complete failure. Subconsciously I am eaten away by self-hatred . . . I stood in the middle of the bedroom, stunned.