Brain Rules for Baby (John Medina) / quote 21 of 91
Empathy needs understanding, not solutions
Research shows that 70 percent of marital conflicts are not resolvable; the disagreement remains. As long as the participants learn to live with their differences—one of the biggest challenges in marriage—this is not necessarily bad news. But differences must be grasped, even if no problems are solved. One of the reasons empathy works so well is because it does not require a solution. It requires only understanding. That’s extremely important to recognize. If there is wiggle room for negotiation only 30 percent of the time, empathy becomes the premier exercise in any couple’s conflict-management workout. That’s probably why its absence is such a powerful predictor of divorce. Gottman, among other researchers, discovered a similar effect in child rearing. He has said, “Empathy not only matters; it is the foundation of effective parenting.”