Brain Rules for Baby (John Medina) / quote 18 of 91
The car keys: children imitate their parents
Couples who know about the Four Grapes of Wrath and who begin preparing in advance are much less likely to trample on them once baby comes home. When conflicts occur for these couples, the effects are usually much milder. I can attest to that. I grew up in a military household in the 1950s. Whenever we took a car ride, my mother scrambled to prepare two kids under 3 years of age for the excursion, assembling blankets, bottles, diapers, and clean clothes. My father never assisted and actually grew impatient if preparations took too long. Storming out of the house, he would plunk down in the driver’s seat and gun the engine to announce his irritation. Lots of strong feelings there, about as useful as a heart attack. I only dimly recalled this behavior as an adult. But six months into my own marriage, my wife and I were late to a grad school meet-and-greet dinner. She was taking an especially long time to get ready, and I grew impatient. I stormed out of the house, got into the car, and put the key into the ignition. All of a sudden it hit me what I was doing. I remember taking a long breath, marveling at how deeply parents can still influence their kids, and then recalling novelist James Baldwin’s quote: “Children have never been good at listening to their parents, but they have never failed to imitate them.” Slowly, I removed the keys from the ignition, returned to my new bride, and apologized. I never pulled that stunt again. Years later, getting ready for a trip with two kids of our own, I was putting our youngest in the car seat when suddenly his diaper exploded. I grinned as I felt my car keys in my pocket and repaired to the changing table, humming. There would be no gunning of an engine. The lesson was long-lasting, the change surprisingly easy to maintain. There is nothing particularly heroic about this story. Nothing really changed except a specific awareness. But it is this awareness that I want to share, for its inner workings have very powerful positive consequences.